no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
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Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
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Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize