So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
