I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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