I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
