I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
