Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
