fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
