ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
