i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
