grandma shit on top of the toilet
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
