i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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