Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
