She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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