dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
