Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
