Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize