How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
