You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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