I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
