i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
