You can't special order awesome
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
