I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
