Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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