I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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