If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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