hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish i was in the wii world.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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