hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my being single is dangerous.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
