Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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