just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
