my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
