If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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