I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
