I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
