Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
