I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
