no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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