I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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