**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
