Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
