my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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