I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
