I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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