Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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