I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
