I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
