i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she smelled like a LAN party
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
