I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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