i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
