We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
