I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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