Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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