Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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