I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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