Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
These tits shall not be calmed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
