the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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