i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
