So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
