There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
