Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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