Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
