The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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